Hey, sometimes new comedians just aren't aware that the topic they're doing is considered "hack."  And sometimes, people are just stupid.  More often the latter.  So here at Chucklemonkey.com, our staff of Chucklemonkeys has decided to create a definitive list of topics considered "hack", as determined by you!  Wanna add to the list?  Please do!  Just click HERE, and send us an e-mail with your "hack" topic to be added to the list!  (If you wish to remain anonymous, please note that in your e-mail; otherwise, all topics will include the comedian's name)

Here's a few, just to get you started:

"Traffic... especially LA traffic."

- Anonymous

"Black people do this... white people do this..."

- Anonymous

"What's with that one guy who is always naked in the locker room?"

- Ryan Silverman

"My wife spends all her time shopping..."

- Anonymous

"Psycho bitch women saying 'I'm single.'"

- Tony the Caucasian

"You know what pisses me off..."

- Ian

Jack Nicholson impressions (or Christopher Walken, Hannibal Lechter, or Elvis)

"Airport/airplane/public bathrooms are gross!"

"Telemarketers are annoying!"

Guys who only talk about smoking pot and jerking off

Guys who complain/ponder why women never fart

Comics heckling audience members that head for the bathroom

Comics who think LOUD IS FUNNY

- Anne Baker

"Ernie and Burt are gay!"

Impressions of Shaggy and Scooby, Bill Cosby, Sly Stallone, "Ahnuld", and DeNiro, especially if the bit ends with all of them buggering each other.

- Kevin Downey, Jr.

Jokes about Maurice Gibb not "Stayin' Alive"

- Anonymous

Bits on Gay Black Nazi Bikers for Christ

All the names guys come up with for their turds

- Mike Landau

Men holding their womens' purses at the store

Side effects from pills that include black, oily discharge

- Mark Sweeney

Jokes about McNuggets, as in "What part of the chicken do they come from?"

Psuedo-Seinfeld set-ups like, "... and what is the deal with ..."

Parodies of red neck jokes ... "you know you're a ...."

Poo-poo pee-pee jokes

O.J. jokes

"She was so fat..." jokes

Blonde jokes

...and my personal most objectionable hack joke (which lots of big name comics do in their nightclub acts) - any joke that needs "f-ing" as an adjective to get the laugh

- Stu Cassell

Joan Rivers is catty about people's appearances (and, doesn't she think people notice her own, increasingly extreme, plastic surgery?)

Guy comics talking about hiding their porn in the house/getting caught jacking off to porn

Guy comics hate cats (specifically, their mother's or girlfriend's cats)

Late night infomercials are oddly interesting or engrossing

Chick comics complaining that guys never call (even after they said they would call!)

Comics who refer to something as "[BLANK] from Hell" are not only being hack, they are offending comedian Richard Lewis who has tried to sue to copyright that statement

"On the edge" comics who make allusions to being stoned or smoking pot

Charleton Heston being a gun nut/a nut/senile jokes

Any mobster humor (Sopranos, Godfather, Scarface)

Any reference to the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa

"Vote someone off the island"

- Anne Baker

The Microsoft paperclip guy!

- Vincent Durham

Open mikers asking every 5 minutes "how everyone is doing"

Fingering the mike stand, leaning on it, tamping it, throttling it

MC saying every 5 minutes "bringing to the stage" or "our next comic's name is"

Homosexuals talking about sex

- Maxwell T. Worthington

Guys who insist about talking about their genitalia

Poop/Fart Jokes

Anna Nicole Smith

More Anna Nicole Smith

Weed Jokes/Drunk Jokes

Guys who talk about their nonexistent sex life

Guys talking about the size of the penis

Black Comic "I am your token negro for the evening."

Guys who don't know how to perform cunnilingus

Pussy farts

Jarrod from Subway

- Preston

I had to break up with my girlfriend because I’m a (Blank) and she’s a/the (Blank). How many comics use this miserable bit?

I’m part (Nationality) and part (Nationality), which explains why I (Blank)

Airport security

Any impressions. PERIOD!!!

Anything politically correct

- Johnny Dam

Oral sex

Women and being bitchy when on their cycles

Women talking about jerky men!

Men talking about women being "chicks"!

- Carolyn Agnew

"Men and women are different because..."

- Johnny Dam

A comedian who isn't doing well saying "I guess you guys just aren't in the mood to laugh tonight," or any comic who blames the audience for their failure.

- David Dravenack

Any comedian who needs a "stage name" because it's cool

Repeating a catch phrase throughout your act

- Brian Apprille

Any joke similar to Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck...", i.e. "If you __________, then you might be a __________."

- Pete LaFaucia

Any comic who still uses the line (or a variation of) "Who's your daddy?"

Any comic who is still doing invisible humping

Any non-black comic speaking slang 'cuz "Hey, it sounds funny coming from someone who looks like me..."

- Anonymous

Convenience store owners from India (especially with impressions)

Clinton and Monica jokes (it's over; get over it and update your act, for Pete's sake!)

Bush is stupid, Gore is boring

- D Patrick

The decline of Tibetan culture with China's re-occupation

- Moody McCarthy

Anything to do with Fifty Cent!

- Vincent Durham

"Statistics say that one in every three people is ugly... now look to your left... now look to your right..."

"I just broke up with my girlfriend/boyfriend..."

"Anybody here from __________?  I HATE __________!"

- Michael Jay

Any joke requiring you to look to your left and right and if you don't see what a comic is asking you to look for YOU'RE IT

Making fun of a poor MC

- Danny "MC" Franks

"Blah, blah, blah - $50.  Blah, blah, blah - $100.  Blah, blah, blah - Priceless."

Men and women are different

"How about those 7-11s..."

Flying is tough

Sexual harassment

"Hey, these bits kill in an Asian club..."

"I'm not prejudiced, but..."

"What happened to that Bill Clinton guy?"

"White people, follow the Black people..."

"...longest 7 years of my life..."

Famous Person and Famous Person having sex

Famous Person taking a dump

Any theme-related comedy show on TV

Any fat comic doing a bit on small cars... never mind...

- Mike Diesel

Anything that begins with "I know what you're thinking..."
          - Yeah, I'm thinking I hate people who know what I'm thinking.

Anything that includes the phrase "You do the math."
          - No, I'm not gonna do the math.  I hate math even more than I hate cliches.

Anything that includes the phrases "It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it", or "Why won't men ask for directions?"

- Louise Palanker

Online dating.  So played.

- D Nelson

Impressions (let's be real - any impressions)

Guitars

Props

Women talking about men (and vice versa)

"White guys have small penises"

Telling the audience to "cross off that one" when a punchline doesn't get a laugh

Bringing notes onto the stage

Guys who stay on stage past their limit when they are not getting any laughs in the hopes that they will get one if they keep plugging away

Martin Lawrence

- Ian Scott McCormick

The Special Olympics

Holier-than-thou knee jerk Republican comedians

Holier-than-thou knee jerk Democrat comedians

Loud unlikeable comedians

Comedians who require the audience to speak aloud their stupid cliche` punchline

"I got a new tattoo that says 'Exit Only' above my butt... ha ha ha..."

Black, White, or Asian comedians imitating Asians (rule does not apply to Latinos)

- Dan Curry

Olive Garden commercials and how they aren't for Italians

The observation that women can wax their body hair and pull it out from the root and still be afraid of a bug.  Don't hack Seinfeld.

- Adam Peri

"Women go to the bathroom in groups - what's with that?"

- Maureen O'Sullivan

Cracking on the 24 hour news channels, particularly cracking on the text that scrolls along the bottom of the television screen

- Elizabeth Andersen

People who use their "alternative lifestyle" or ethnicity as material for most of their act.  One or two jokes is ok, but it gets old quickly - don't milk it

Black comics who do nothing but make fun of white people

The everyday happenings of the ordinary housecat

"A funny thing happened to me on the way here..."

- Anonymous

Real mentally challenged people...big flop

Ridiculously uneeded sight gags...as in funny walks or stupid dances onstage

Don't spend half your stage time getting the crowd all worked up about having a good night... shut up and deliver.

If you resort to talking trash about someone in the audience... face it... you've been had... we all know you're out of FUCKING JOKES!!

- Anonymous

Middle-Eastern/Indian jokes about terrorists wearing turbans, working at 7-11s, driving taxicabs, etc.

- Rosie Tran

Any joke about sex that doesn't have an interesting premise and/or punchline (for example, just asking whether or not you've gotten a pubic hair stuck in your teeth isn't a joke)

"People from New York are jerks..."

"People from Los Angeles are stupid..."

George W. Bush jokes.  Nothing's funnier than the man himself.

- Thomas E Ward

ANY 'Ms. Cleo' jokes

Jokes about the Amish

- Carl Carter

Talking about the fact that there are never any gloves in the glove compartment

Men talking about masturbation

"Any local people in here tonight...?"

"Comedians are almost always single because..."

- Anonymous

"You might have seen me on TV last night - you know the show... COPS!"

Black people do this... white people do this...

Cyber sex jokes

"I'm married - it's been 10 years... Well, not all in a row..."

Doing the "gay guy" voice

Cruise line comedians (Well, most of them, anyways...)

"Black people are always the first to die in a scary movie..."

Doing a stupid rap you think is funny for cheap applause, no matter what race you are.

- Jimmy DellaValle

People that go on stage with no jokes and just talk to the crowd

People that go on stage and act like they're at group therapy. We know your life sucks... you don't need to tell us.

People that get pissed off at everyone when they suck... and people who tell you that you did good when you know you sucked.

People that go on stage and feel the need to communicate who they are as a person. We don't care - just tell some friggin' jokes!

- Anonymous

Any member of a race that goes on and on about their race's cliches: "My Jewish mother... yada yada yada..."; "I'm Italian - when one arm's shorter than the other, that's a speech imediment..."; "I'm Irish; I can outdrink the bar...", etc.

- Tim Mars

Hack is "I'm so horny..." jokes

Hack is "Black folks have bad credit, no money, no job..."

Hack is retard jokes

Hack is using the word "pussy" 26 times in a 5 minute set

Hack is most definitely country music jokes

- Melville

Going on stage and informing the audience that you are currently drunk or high - keep your excuses to yourself

Tampon/menstrual cycle jokes

Shock value stories - they're boring and nobody cares if you wore a clown suit while you humped a watermelon lodged in your girlfriend's butt

Fat guys saying "Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you"

Anything you'll see at the Ha Ha Cafe during an open mike...

Any joke about Britney Spears having fake breasts (guess what... they're real)

Any story where the audience has to listen to you for over thirty seconds without laughing... especially if there's no big payoff in the end. Save the stories for your buddies and tell a damn joke!

- Todd Hoskins

The "I was so drunk I went to the library and ordered McDonald's" joke or any variation thereof

Crackhead jokes

- Stan Tunnell

"How can Arnold be the governor of a state he can't pronounce?"

Any Arnold impersonations

"Gary Coleman ran for governor, but he came up short..."

- Tom McClain

Any punchline that includes a hooker and cocaine

- Anonymous

Any black comic who constantly uses the race card in any way. It's been played again and again and again. If that's all you have, go back to the drawing board.

"Black people do this, black people do that. And white people do that, and this." It was new 15 years ago. No matter how funny it is, it's been played out.

The "N" word has got to go. It's not part of any English language. Don't use it for any reason, white or black.

The penis jokes are aplenty... A lot of newcomers use this - it shows your amatuerism.

- Spider

Telling jokes about getting high when you are high on stage

Saying "hotdogs are made of lips and assholes"

Emcees who are "nice" and give everybody 8 minutes when they should only have 5. This typically pisses off the feature and headline acts.

Deaf comics who do an entire set on being deaf; fat comics who do an entire set about a buffet; homosexual comics who do an entire set on being homosexual, etc.

- Michael Liebman

Coming up with some sad reason to do your old Bill Clinton impression (e.g., "Man, I hate Dubya and all this Iraq stuff - I miss BILL CLINTON! Those were the days!")

Saying the word "people" at the end of every joke (or even worse, "Am I right people?")

Any TV commercial for ANY prescription drug product

The New York City subway

New York City taxis and their drivers

Trying to do topical material as a way to show your racism against Arabs (and imitating them by doing a bad Indian accent)

- Anthony DeVito

For American comedians performing in Canada:

"American beer is weak, Canadian beer is strong..." - The audience will roar with laughter, but everyone else will vomit.

"American money is worth more than Canadian money..."

"Americans are aggressive, Canadians are passive..."

Generally, anything that has to do with the differences between Americans and Canadians. (Note: This applies to Canadian comics, as well!)

- Anonymous

...Reciting jokes you found on the Web or worse, somebody else's material!

- Danny Lofaro

Mullets

Sea Monkeys

Any joke that has "Don't go there", "You go, girl", or "Talk to the hand"

Johnny Cochran

Ozzy Osbourne

- Mark Anundson

Comparing "big city" life to the "small town" life you are accustomed to

Making too many gay/homophobic jokes

Fat guys talking about how fat they are or how much they can eat

Telling a "Negro" joke and then looking for the black people in the crowd and telling them you're "just kidding" - it may be funny when you catch people off-guard with a racist reference, but it's a cheap laugh

Rodney King references

- Ben Young

"Ronald Reagan is senile..."

"Kung Fu movie stars' lips never match the dialogue..."

Angry comics

Nervous verbal tics and onstage cliche`s, overused "saver" lines and other unmentionables often mentioned...:
    Punchlines that start with "Apparently..."
    "What are the odds of this happening...?"
    "But seriously..."
    "What else is going on...?"
    "Oh, this is funny..."
    "Go figure."
    "Some of these are just for me..."
    "Just trying out some new shit..."

- Anonymous

Any punchline making a reference to Archie Bunker

Talking about Amtrak rail disasters... wasn't that, like, in the '80's?

Making fun of George Bush, Jr.

Any fake interaction with the crowd to set up a bit, even if the answer from the crowd isn't even close. (comic): "What's the worst thing about trying on something in the fitting room of a department store?" (audience): "You have to find somebody with the damn key!" (comic): "Yeah... you know what I hate? I always think the girl who let me in is peeking at me!"

- Anonymous

Any punchline which contains the words "shizzle" or "nizzle".

- Brian Archer

"What's the deal with...", "Speaking of...", "Why don't..." - Most comics have absolutely NO ability to transition - this is the ULTIMATE hack, if you ask me!

- Danny Doyle

Televangelist jokes

Jokes about the Mormon secret underwear

Jokes about people who choose to cover their heads with swaddling

Jokes about people who grow long beards

Any jokes that glorify unrighteousness

Any low idle chatter that scatters like so much chaff in the winds

- The Gentle Shepherd

"We all have that one friend..."

"Rolling Stones... man, Mick has some big ass lips! Black people are like..."

Books for Dummies

"My computer sucks..."

The Dell dude

"I'm sweating like Mike Tyson in a spelling bee..." (or "R Kelly at a middle school dance")

"I hate it when bitches..."

The war in Iraq

"Have you ever been taking a shit and..."

Waiting for the stoplight to change

"Have you ever been so high that..."

Talking about banging a corpse

- Shantz

Having a stock line to deal with a heckler, like "Hey, man, I don't come to where you work and..."

Daylight savings humor

Getting laughs by simply bringing up pop culture references. I don't think that comparing your sex life to "Ben and J-Lo" is all that genius (ha ha ha, I said "Ben and J-Lo"...)

- Barry Rothbart

"All the beautiful people in here, give yourselves a round of applause... Some of you have no business clapping. You know who you are."

"Ain't nothin' wrong with big women!"

"I went to this girl's house, and she had roaches!" (Be sure to give the roaches criminal tendencies, tattoos, etc.)

Men sure do like beer and football

Christopher Walken impressions

Cartoon characters doing nasty things

When a black comedian gets off stage, and the MC says "Give it up for him... he's in the parking lot, stealing your tires..."

"Drink up, folks - the more you drink, the funnier I get!"

"The cop asked me, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?', and I said..."

"Do you guys smoke pot? Got any? Meet me after the show!"

"I'll pause, so the people from (insert local town name here) can catch up..."

Jokes about "goin' clubbin'", i.e.:
    "Someone bumped into me at the club..."
    "I bought this girl 37 drinks at the club and she left with someone else..."
    Demonstrate how women 'booty dance', how gay people dance, white people, old people, big girls, the guy in the wheelchair, etc.
    Tell us how ugly the girl you left with was when you saw her outside

Talk about how bad your mama used to beat you, then talk about the little kid you saw at the store. Tell us what your mama would have done to you, and demonstrate

Doing a Southern accent every time you do a joke about somebody being stupid

Talking about the show you did in Alabama - be sure the joke is littered with 'toothless' and 'shoeless' references

Tell us about how poor you were when you grew up

When you talk about sex, be sure and hump the chair/stool on stage

- Anonymous

Any comic who opens his show with his best accomplishments (some made up) and trashes the city he's in, blaming his "agent": "Gee... 'The Tonight Show', HBO, Vegas, and now I'm in (enter city name here); I've gotta talk to my agent."

- David Beck

"I am [nationality] and my wife is [nationality]